Is He Right For Me – She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, where Erin answers your burning questions about anything.
My fiance and I haven’t been together for three months after we had our first child together. Of course life before pregnancy was incredible. LOL. Our love burned. We are very happy. We used to argue or argue once a month, no joke!!
Is He Right For Me
He rarely helps around the house, scolds me in front of the kids, disrespects me constantly and doesn’t seem to listen to me.
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I have tried many things. I want him to go, but I love him deeply. He was never like this. Now I have a lot of anger and resentment towards him. I have expressed my feelings in many ways. I have read article after article. I can’t afford daycare if he moves. He continues to pack and unpack. We don’t give up.
Our son is one. I also have an eight-year-old daughter from a previous relationship. Children will be very emotionally hurt and confused. I’m a wreck. I have no family left where we live and no friends to talk to.
I wish I had been strong enough to kick him out for good. He must remember what he has!!!
The other day he angrily kicked my stuff into the garage while he was chilling there. He woke me up. It’s the second time he’s done this.
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He gets very angry when I express my opinion. And sometimes I drop them or bite my tongue. But sometimes I want to listen!!! He says I’m the problem!
Well, you know, there’s a clear division of communication in your relationship, and you’re both responsible for it.
Naturally, your sleep is disturbed. Communication is often transactional. It is almost impossible to maintain the ease once it is there. Childcare responsibilities can feel overwhelming or unequal. You have less time alone as individuals and as a couple. And you’re not the same person you were pre-baby (even with an older child from your previous relationship). You may remember who you were or who your partner used to be, and this can cause subconscious resentment.
Even the best relationships have an adjustment period after a baby that can be uncomfortable. It’s been a long year, but that’s okay
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Now that doesn’t exactly make up for what you stated – yelling in front of kids, disrespect, tantrums. However, I think it can be fixed. My first suggestion is that you look into marriage counseling. If that is not an option financially, I suggest you both study nonviolent communication (the language of life). As someone who was in a relationship that was dysfunctional at best, toxic at worst, I found this book very helpful. Although I have always been a “good communicator”, my communication skills were often based on how I wanted people to perceive me, rather than who I was or how I actually felt. Another low-cost project the two of you can try is to read the book Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples. A workbook is also included
Make a list of all the reasons why you fell in love with him, what you miss about how your relationship was, what you miss about how you used to be. My experience is that when we steer tough conversations away from finger-pointing and instead focus on what we like and want, the results are much better.
Now a warning to all of these. The garage incident is a little red flag. I don’t know how big the incident was, but one concern is if his angry outbursts and displays of disrespect escalate. If they are, we have a completely different scenario. I know you are worried about how partition affects children negatively.
But there’s something more damaging than a breakup—showing your kids that it looks like love, it looks like a relationship.
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At the end of your email you said you wanted to be heard. This was probably what he wanted. What you need now is to help each other learn new ways to listen and clearly communicate your needs and feelings in a language you both understand. I really hope you are open to exploring together, either with a therapist or some book-guided exploration. And again, if things escalate, become emotionally or physically violent, then we need to have another conversation.
The information in Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice as I am not a doctor. But I’m here to help—to share the wisdom I’ve gained from years of mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendship, depression, parenting, sex, consent
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